If there’s one universal truth I’ve seen in my therapy space, it’s that life gives us hard things to do: Kids don’t want to clean their rooms, adults don’t want to make that dentist appointment, finish the work project, or fold the laundry that’s been living on the couch for three days. We all hit walls where motivation runs dry.
Resilience—it’s not a rare trait that only a few people are born with; it’s a skill. It’s something you practice, model, and build over time. Think of it like a muscle—you don’t get stronger by wishing for it, you get stronger by using it.
Let’s break down what’s going on in the brain when we face challenges, how we can support resilience in our kids (and ourselves), and some realistic tools for tackling tasks we’d rather avoid.
The Science of Doing Hard Things
Our brains are both brilliant and stubborn when it comes to motivation. Here’s the quick version of what’s going on in our heads when we’re staring down a hard task.
The Prefrontal Cortex (The CEO of the Brain)
This is the part right behind your forehead that handles planning, self-control, and decision-making. It’s also the sloth of brain development—humans don’t have a fully mature prefrontal cortex until their mid-20s. That’s why your 7-year-old can burst into tears over homework and your 16-year-old can procrastinate like it’s an Olympic sport. Their brains are still wiring up the “get it done” skills.
The Amygdala (The Alarm System)
The amygdala is always scanning for danger. When something feels hard or uncomfortable, it can send the message: Nope, don’t do that, run away instead. For kids, that might look like total avoidance of math homework. For adults, it’s ignoring that email until it feels like a monster in the inbox.
Dopamine (The Motivation Molecule)
Dopamine is your brain’s “reward chemical,” but it doesn’t show up before you start. It shows up after. That means waiting to “feel motivated” is a trap—you usually have to start before your brain gives you that little hit of okay, this feels good, keep going.
Knowing this doesn’t make hard things easy, but it explains why we all get stuck!
Resilience: What It Actually Looks Like
Resilience doesn’t mean pretending hard things are easy or powering through without emotions. It looks more like this:
- Sitting with discomfort instead of running from it.
- Learning that frustration won’t actually break you.
- Believing that effort—not perfection—is what makes you stronger.
For kids, resilience shows up when they try again after losing a game, push through a tough puzzle, or stick with the piano even when it’s boring. For adults, it’s tackling the laundry, calling the doctor, or showing up for a workout, even when the couch is calling your name.
Every time you practice, your brain files it away as evidence: I’ve done hard things before. I can do them again.
Teaching Kids (and Yourself) to Do Hard Things
Here are some simple, real-life ways to build resilience in both kids and grown-ups:
1. Normalize Discomfort
Say it out loud: “This is hard, and that’s okay.” Kids (and adults) need to hear that struggling doesn’t mean failing—it means you’re strengthening that resilience muscle.
2. Break It Down
Our brains love small wins. Instead of “Clean your room,” try: “Start with the Legos.” For adults, don’t write “Do taxes.” Write “Find W-2.” Smaller steps create momentum.
3. Model “Starting Ugly”
Let your kids see you begin when you don’t feel like it. Narrate it: “I don’t feel like making dinner, but if I chop the onions, I’ll probably keep going. That shows them you don’t need to wait for motivation—you just need to start.
4. Try the 5-Minute Rule
Tell yourself (or your child): “Just do it for five minutes.” Most of the time, that’s enough to flip the switch and keep going.
5. Create a Resilience Vocabulary
Simple phrases work wonders, like:
- “Hard is how we grow.”
- “Small steps count.”
- “We don’t quit on ourselves.”
These mantras stick, especially when kids repeat them often. Adults can borrow them too.
6. Praise the Effort, Not Just the Win
Instead of celebrating only the outcome, highlight the process: "You kept at that puzzle even when it got tricky." Adults, same thing: give yourself credit for sending the email, not just for getting the perfect response.
Tips for Actually Getting Stuff Done
Now let’s get into the nitty-gritty for those days when the to-do list feels like Mount Everest:
1. Write It Down
Your brain does better when the task is out of your head and onto paper (or a sticky note). Mental lists = overwhelm.
2. Move First
Stretch, grab water, take a quick walk. A little movement can settle your nervous system and give your prefrontal cortex the boost it needs to focus.
3. Pair Pain with Pleasure
Do the boring thing with something you enjoy. Laundry + podcast. Dishes + music. Homework + favorite snack.
4. Time-Box It
Set a timer for 15 minutes. Promise yourself you can stop when it dings. Chances are, you’ll keep rolling once you’ve started.
5. Future You Trick
Ask yourself (or your kid): “What will future me thank me for?" - Tomorrow, you will be thrilled you packed the backpack tonight.
6. Buddy Up
Humans are wired for connection. Work side by side with a friend, or tell someone what you’re committing to. Accountability makes hard things easier.
Why It Matters
The small, everyday battles—homework, chores, emails—are really practice rounds for life’s bigger curveballs. When kids learn to push through something tough, they’re preparing for the day they face heartbreak, career setbacks, or major transitions. And when adults keep practicing resilience in the little things, we’re reinforcing our ability to handle the bigger ones too.
Hard things will always show up. The point isn’t to avoid them. The point is to remember that effort builds strength, and action sparks motivation. Every time you lean in, you’re teaching your brain: I can do hard things.
The next time you or your child hit a wall, take a breath and remind yourself:
- Resistance is normal—it’s just your brain looking for the easy way out.
- Struggle isn’t failure—it’s training.
- You don’t need the perfect mindset to start—you just need to start.
- Begin small. Begin messy. Begin even if you don’t want to.
You and your kids can do hard things; doing the hard thing, big or small, is like a rep at the resilience gym. The chores, the long days, the meltdowns you help your kids through—they’re not just items checked off a list. They’re shaping you, teaching your brain (and your child’s) that strength grows in quiet, steady ways.
Quick Read:
Life throws us hard stuff—kids procrastinate, emails pile up, laundry multiplies. Here’s the thing: resilience is a skill, not a trait.
Kids’ brains are still learning self-control. Our brains resist discomfort. Motivation shows up after we start.
- Tips to get things done:
- Break tasks into tiny steps
- Pair pain with pleasure (homework + snack, chores + music)
- Praise effort, not perfection
- Just start—even messy or reluctant is fine
About the Author:
Paige Whitley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida. With over 3 years of dedicated experience, Paige has become a trusted ally for diverse populations, including the neurodivergent community, trauma survivors, substance abuse sufferers, and those navigating general mental health challenges. Since 2010, Paige has impacted young lives through her work as a lifeguard, swim teacher, behavior technician, nanny, and counselor. When not at work, she indulges in the magic of Disney Parks, enticing culinary adventures, and family time with her husband, fur babies, and baby Whitley. Passionate and empathetic, she's a catalyst for positive change, committed to improving her community's mental health landscape.
References
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LeDoux, J. (2007). The amygdala. Current Biology, 17(20), R868–R874. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2007.08.005
Salamone, J. D., Correa, M. (2012). The mysterious motivational functions of mesolimbic dopamine. Neuron, 76(3), 470–485. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2012.10.021