Summer is supposed to be relaxing, right? I’m talking about those long, lazy days, popsicles, swimming pools, and the bright, shining sun. But let’s be honest; between disrupted routines, rising temperatures, and everyone spending a little too much time in the sun together, emotions can get just as hot as the weather.
You can be a parent trying to keep your cool after the fourth sibling squabble of the morning or a child melting down over the wrong color cup; emotional overheating happens to the best of us. In these situations, we have to use de-escalation techniques; a set of useful tools to help both adults and kids transition from chaos to calm.
In honor of summer, we’re going to talk about how to “cool off” emotionally when things start to heat up. Let’s explore how de-escalation works, how it looks different for grown-ups versus kids, and practical ways to keep your cool!
What Is De-escalation?
De-escalation is the process of calming down from intense emotions before they lead to a bigger reaction or conflict. It’s the difference between snapping or shouting and taking a deep breath and choosing a better response.
De-escalating does not mean ignoring emotions or pretending to be happy when you're not. It means learning how to regulate the big feelings so that you and your kids can respond more thoughtfully and constructively.
Something to remember: de-escalation looks different for adults and children—let’s talk about it.
Adults: Responding vs Reacting
Even as adults, emotional regulation isn't always easy. Daily responsibilities, stress from work or parenting, sensory overload, and even unresolved patterns from our own childhood can contribute to emotional escalation. Add the intensity of summer—heat, disrupted routines, and less personal space—and it becomes even more challenging to stay composed.
The important thing to remember is that adults do have fully developed brains capable of emotional regulation. Specifically, the prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for impulse control and decision-making) gives us the ability to pause, reflect, and choose how we respond. The challenge is accessing those skills when emotions are running high.
Here are some practical, research-informed de-escalation strategies that adults can use to manage their own reactions, especially during high-stress moments:
1. Identify and Name the Emotion
Labeling emotions activates the thinking brain and calms the reactive brain. A simple statement like, “I’m feeling really irritated right now,” helps bring awareness and reduces the likelihood of an impulsive reaction. This technique, often referred to as “name it to tame it,” is supported by neuroscience and can be surprisingly effective.
2. Engage the Senses
When emotions escalate, the nervous system becomes activated. Sensory input, especially temperature-related cues, can help interrupt this process. Try splashing cold water on your face, stepping into a shaded area, or holding something cool like an ice pack or a chilled beverage. These small physical resets can signal your body that it’s safe to calm down.
3. Take a Constructive Break
Sometimes, the best way to de-escalate is to temporarily remove yourself from the situation. This isn’t avoidance—it’s strategic regulation. Step outside, take a few slow breaths, stretch your body, or briefly change environments. Giving yourself a moment of distance can help prevent escalation and allow for a clearer perspective when you return.
4. Use a Calm, Intentional Voice
Lowering your tone and slowing your speech can help de-escalate both your own internal state and the environment around you. A calm voice cues safety to others and makes it easier for everyone to regulate.
5. Reframe the Situation
When stress is high, it’s easy to slip into negative thinking patterns: “They’re being disrespectful,” or “This is out of control.” Try reframing those thoughts to more constructive interpretations: “They’re having a hard time,” or “This is a tough moment, not a reflection of my parenting.” This shift in mindset helps you approach the situation with more empathy and less reactivity.
Kids: Little Bodies, Big Feelings
Children experience emotions just as intensely as adults do; sometimes even more so, but they don’t yet have the tools to manage those feelings on their own. Their brains, especially the parts responsible for self-control and decision-making, are still developing. That’s why a child’s reaction to frustration, disappointment, or overstimulation can feel big, fast, and overwhelming.
This is where co-regulation comes in; young children need a calm, supportive adult to help them ride out those emotional waves. Over time, through repeated experiences of being soothed and guided, they learn how to regulate their own emotions more independently.
Here are some effective, age-appropriate strategies for de-escalating big feelings in children; especially useful during the more stimulating summer months:
1. Offer a Calm-Down Space, Not a Time-Out
Having a designated place where a child can go to feel safe and supported can make a big difference. This doesn’t have to be fancy, just a cozy corner with plush toys and soft pillows, fidget toys, books, or coloring supplies. Think of it as a “cool-down zone,” where a child can take a break with support rather than being sent away. The goal is to teach the child that calming down is a skill, not a punishment.
2. Use Water as a Regulating Tool
Water-based activities are naturally calming for many children. A splash in the pool, a quick run through the sprinkler, or even washing hands with cool water can help regulate the nervous system. During summer, when heat and sensory overload can escalate behaviors quickly, simple water play can offer a gentle reset.
3. Help Them Name the Feeling
When a child is dysregulated, they often don’t have the words to describe what they’re feeling. That can make things even more frustrating for them. Visual aids like emotion charts or books like The Color Monster (remember this guy from our previous post?) can help children recognize and name their emotions. You might say, “It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated. Is that right?” This builds emotional awareness and language over time.
4. Teach Breathwork in a Playful Way
Deep breathing is one of the most effective tools for calming the body, but children need a fun, concrete way to practice it. Try guiding them through “dragon breaths” (big inhale through the nose, long slow exhale like a dragon breathing fire), blowing bubbles, or using a pinwheel. These techniques make regulation both engaging and accessible.
5. Stay Close and Connect First
When a child is overwhelmed, connection should come before correction. Sit beside them, offer a calm voice, and if they’re open to it, a gentle touch or hug. Your steady presence helps regulate their nervous system and creates the safety they need to move through the moment. Once they’ve calmed, then you can revisit the behavior or boundary in a constructive way.
Prevention Is Part of the Plan
Here’s the thing: the best way to handle an emotional fire is to prevent it from starting. During summer, kids are off their routines, staying up later, and often dealing with sensory overload (think crowds, heat, noise, and sugar). Adults, too, are juggling more than usual. That’s why prevention matters.
Summer Prevention Tips:
• Stick to a basic routine (even if it’s looser than the school year)
• Prioritize hydration, sleep, and snacks—especially before outings
• Build in quiet, screen-free time each day
• Talk about emotions before they explode
• Give everyone in the family permission to take breaks—no guilt attached
Chill Vibes Only
When the temps rise, so can tempers—especially in kids. Summer brings longer days, looser routines, and more opportunities for both joy and emotional overwhelm. Emotional regulation looks different for adults and children, but both benefit from calm, intentional strategies. Maybe it’s a toddler melting down after a long, hot afternoon, or an adult feeling stretched thin by competing demands—either way, escalation happens. During these times, take the opportunity to slow down, model healthy emotional responses, and build regulation skills.
About the Author:
Paige Whitley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida. With over 3 years of dedicated experience, Paige has become a trusted ally for diverse populations, including the neurodivergent community, trauma survivors, substance abuse sufferers, and those navigating general mental health challenges. Since 2010, Paige has impacted young lives through her work as a lifeguard, swim teacher, behavior technician, nanny, and counselor. When not at work, she indulges in the magic of Disney Parks, enticing culinary adventures, and family time with her husband, fur babies, and baby Whitley. Passionate and empathetic, she's a catalyst for positive change, committed to making a difference in her community's mental health landscape.
